The moment we handed out the new safety manuals, office injuries went up by 500%

 

 Last week I was invited to attend the opening of the Museum of Advertising at the Broken Glass conference centre in Corby . At the investiture I was asked to give an impromptu speech on how I have been able to double response rates when writing to teachers.  

“One key factor,” I announced, “is to avoid the bland nonsense of traditional mail. Today’s teacher is dealing with children who think Pitt the Elder is a tree. Talk to teachers in a language that relates to their world, their experiences, their reality, and you are bound to get higher response rates.  

“Use words wisely and carefully,” I added, pointing to one of the plaques which adorn the museum, and which commemorate great sayings by advertisers of the past.  ‘Contemporary advertising consists less and less of words chosen for the sake of their meaning and more and more of phrases tacked together like the sections of a prefabricated hen-house’. (Beethoven)  

There was a muttering of approval, as we walked through the main hall to the next plaque.  It commemorated one of Britain’s most successful advertisers, with one of their most famous quotations:  ‘When ideas fail, words come in very handy’. (Railtrack)     

“Thus,” I concluded, “What you really need to do is grab the teacher by stressing a benefit that your rivals either can’t offer, or don’t mention in their advertising.”  ‘Nothing is so unbelievable’, I quoted, ‘that good advertising cannot make it worth having.’ (Plato)  

“Imagine a group of teachers asks you to explain exactly what you can do for them. There’s no point in talking about the features or technology, or about the history of your company.   You have to give them unique benefits and excitement. If you don’t you are lost.  

“Finally talk to the individual. ‘Junk mail looks as if the writers have been at a great feast of languages and stolen the scraps,’ as Rembrandt pointed out. Your job is to invade the reality studios and regain the high ground by throwing in a tantalising but unexplained PS. Readers often skip down the page, ignoring most of your finely honed prose, anxious to get to the pay-off.  Pull them back in by delivering a certain uncertainty. Crack open the doorway of reality.  Never complain, never explain. If they doubt you, just tell them it is post-modern.  

 

Tony Attwood  

PS:  The official line was that it was a combination of the weight and the sharp edges that caused the problem, but I side with the view that they were cursed. There’s more about doubling response rates when mailing schools on www.hamilton-house.com