The number of children eaten by bears as a result of stepping on the cracks is down by 25%  

 

Last week I was delighted to welcome Sir Mark Thatcher to the Toppled Bollard where he gave a speech at the “Tell It As It Is” awards for people in the public eye who “Tell It As It Is”.    

“I was born,” he said, and we all clapped and cheered.   “In 1953,” he continued. “ At Harrow I got three O levels, in map-reading, theatre studies and politics.  I chose not to go to Oxford University with my pal Jeff Archer, but instead decided to become a chartered accountant.”  There were gasps from the audience and the sound of bottles bouncing on the floor. 

“But I was badly advised, and no one told me that there would be exams.  However, I told the authorities about my O levels in cooking, car mechanics and elementary surveying, I weighed up the pros and cons and put them in alphabetical order but I failed the exam three times.  I was, however, undaunted and immediately set up Mark Thatcher Racing.   We lost lots of money, but in the Sahara I met International Rescue.   But they didn’t have any strings attached so I revealed to the world that Thunderbirds isn’t true – but the newspapers wouldn’t run the story. 

“By this time I didn’t have any strings attached either.  The papers next suggested that I was involved in a £300m contract to build a university in Oman , which is an obvious activity for someone with O levels in human anatomy, needlework and environmental studies.   But I moved to Texas and married Diane.  He father has lots of money and cars.  I told him I like to drive, as befits a man with O levels in campanology, criminology and choreography. 

“However it seems people in the US don’t like us Brits – I suppose it is because of my naturally retiring nature.  They said I married Diane for her money and I said of course I did.   Then they said that I was involved in racketeering, and there was a big court case.  I said it was all untrue.  I explained I was a man with O levels in ceramics, Welsh and quantum mechanics, and men of that stature don’t do racketeering – whatever that is. 

“So Diane and I moved to South Africa where everyone sits by the pool and talks.  I was good at that.  But even there the authorities came after me about a loans scheme.  I said I don’t know anything about loans – I have nothing to loan, unless someone wanted to borrow my O levels in cream diversity, jollificationalism, and silicon technology.   But then Diane took the kids and shot back to Texas , and the South African police arrested me over some sort of coup in Equatorial Guinea .   I told them that a man with O levels in fox hunting, genealogy and spaghetti enhancement does not get involved in Equatorial Guinea – of all places.   So now I feel like a cork floating down the Colorado river .  Even that got misquoted however.  I definitely said ‘cork’. 

                                                                     Tony Attwood 

PS:  You can read more about life at the Toppled Bollard at www.toppled.info   You can buy mailing lists on line at www.hamilton-house.com    You can get blown about on a windy day at the end of Southend Pier, and you can talk about how to get higher response rates in direct mail by calling us on 01536 399 000.    No horseman will call.