It was indeed a great honour for the
regulars of the Bollard not only to attend a live broadcast of edition 5,624 of
“Name that Veg!”, the nation’s favourite afternoon quiz show, but also to have
Mahatma Kane (or Jeeves as he is known to his pals) as the guest after-show
speaker.
MK’s theme was The Role of the Headline in
Existential Reality. “The real world,” he told us, “the world that is full of
murders, catastrophic disasters, unexpected legacies and people winning
millions on the lottery – that only happens in the media. You see it on TV, read it in the papers, hear
it on the radio – but do you ever witness it personally?”
We agreed we did not.
“Now consider that strangest of beasts –
the newspaper headline. Even the TV news
now has headlines just in case you lose track of the five word sentences the
journalists utter. Such headlines are
not news – they are the tools of marketing.”
We agreed they were.
“Now think again of the newspaper. It contains the same number of words – give
or take – be it Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday.
The fact that there might be more or less news on one day doesn’t make
any difference. Is the world really
always the same size?”
We agreed it was not.
“And remember what
“So what must we do?” we screamed as one.
“Follow Yates,” said Mahatma Kane. “Take the reader by the throat.”
Tony Attwood
PS: According to a correspondent from Bodmin, the Yates quote comes from The Old Stone Cross. So now you know. Or if not, give me a call on 01536 399000 and I’ll explain. It all has something to do with doubling your response rates.