“It is very important for folks to understand that where there is more trade there is more commerce”

George W Bush. January 2002.

One of the interesting aspects of my job is that I am often called on to give advice to advertisers on the subject of creating leaflets that will get wonderful responses. Often my advice is given over the excellent cuisine of our local hostelry – the Toppled Bollard.

Recently I took a member of the Association of Regional Statisticians of England to lunch. He explained that perhaps the most comprehensive vision of what statisticians do comes from the Bureau of Incomplete Research whose president recently said. “One in every three advertisers.” By and large I had to agree.

The Toppled Bollard is a restaurant that itself needs no explanation. For a start it is consistent – the steak, coffee and ice cream all come at the same temperature. Jenny McGraw, wife of my old pal Billy The Dog, has proclaimed herself proprietress. Jenny would not mind me saying that she dresses to kill and by and large cooks the same way.

As we sit I always try and talk my guest through the local dishes. The cuisine, I announce, is Corbyesque – which means that if you complain you are likely to be headbutted. I never recommend the soupe du jour since you never quite know what it will be from one day to the next. Gazpacho is also out – each time I have ordered it at the Bollard it has been cold.

On this occasion we ordered duck. However my guest chanced his arm somewhat by asking what sort of duck we were being offered, and how was it to be cooked. I instinctively lowered myself under the table, but Jenny was in a serene, almost non-violent mood. “If it looks like a duck, talks like a duck and walks like a duck it probably needs more time in the microwave,” she told him.

And so finally we got to the pudding. According to my guest, 14 out of every 10 people like chocolate. He also informed me that research shows that foods used for medicinal purposes such as chocolate, brandy, toast and cheesecake have no calories. I found myself looking forward to a hearty conclusion to our feast, but sadly he chose this moment to utter two of the most awful words in the English language. “Just coffee”.

Tony Attwood

PS: If you would like me to do a review of your promotional leaflets on the phone – without cost and without a visit to the Bollard – just fax me or mail me a copy of the promotion you would like to discuss. I will call you back and tell you what I think. No cost, no obligation, and some of my customers have even suggested that they find this rather helpful.