The completely true story of
the world’s first ever direct mail campaign
On the
afternoon of 22 June 1286 an earthquake disrupted the foundations of the Upright
Post (community centre for the marketing elite of Northamptonshire and
Rutland) destroying much of the building and severely damaging the
internationally renowned public house which had once been visited by King
Alfred.
At first it
was believed that England’s most precious relic – the signed robe worn by Dyvid
B’ckham when he kicked a ball from Uppingham to Cumbernauld in one go – had
been lost to the mayhem. As Billy the
Wolf, landlord of the Upright Post wrote that evening in his daily blog,
without the relic the citizenry of the town would be unlikely to give of their
time in helping the rebuilding of the Post.
Meanwhile in
the high-rise staging post opposite the local chief of police, Superintendent
Sir Notworth Bothering-Wyth, was passing the time lecturing a cluster of
down-and-out graphic designers on the relative merits of solo vs shared
mailings, when he witnessed a procession of Morrismen emerge from the ruins,
bearing the ancient robe aloft.
The graphic
designers immediate seized upon this as a symbolic event and five days of
celebration were called. However during
this ensuing excitement a passing necromancer inadvertently dropped a lighted
candle onto the pool of crude oil that had begun to bubble up from the Post’s
foundations, and the entire city caught ablaze.
Feeling this
to be a great opportunity Sir Notworth put quill to paper and wrote what is
believed to be the planet’s first direct mail letter – an appeal to the people
of the county to join forces, put out the fire, rebuild the Post and finally
rid the city of
Ultimately a
gang of list brokers and copywriters did indeed clear the site where the Upright
Post had been and built in its place a simple two meter tall memorial to
the events of that summer. Unfortunately
the foundations were not dug deep enough, and the memorial fell down the next
morning, thus causing the site to become known as The Toppled Bollard. Now each year on 22nd June two
Morrismen are ceremonially thrown into the River Slydge which oozes past the
site.
Tony Attwood
Back to History Stories How shared mailings
caused the end of civilisation and the start of the Dark Ages