The newly
rebuilt Toppled Bollard in
Guest of
honour was John Prescott, who had been the subject of last year’s winning award
which involved a practical demonstration of the mathematical constant omega-pi,
which is fundamental to the calculation
of the total surface area of politicians of a certain size.
This year’s
top award went to an invention which translates dog barks into Greek. Sadly, as none of us present was able to
speak either dog or Greek, we were not able to test the accuracy of this
machine. But we were able to applaud
the thought behind it and appreciate the exotic sounds that emanated both from
Jack – the Bollard’s resident hound – and the electronics.
Once the
applause had died down we were on to the entertainment, and I believe everyone
agreed this was an evening that belonged to Jack. As the presentation podium was packed up for
another year our favourite hound took centre stage with his master – resident
publican and Elvis impersonator Donald O’Dougan. Between them they regaled us with a
collection of the King’s early works.
Donald and
Jack concluded this sublime performance with the stunning news (presented in
both Greek and English) that, after years of false leads, Elvis Presley had at
last been found and would soon be making his first new single in some 25
years.
With baited
breath we waited as Donald informed us he could now exclusively reveal the
title of this much awaited record.
Apparently
it is “All Dug Up.”
Best
wishes,
Tony
Attwood
PS: Please don’t forget, if you would like to
know what the one thing is that invariably raises response rates in direct
mail, but which most people ignore, just call me on my direct line: 01536 399
013. No charge. No obligation. No Elvis jokes. Promise.