What Billy “The Dog” McGraw has to say about the subtleties of writing direct mail

When the concept of cinema was invented, developers of the new medium suggested that at last this would bring culture to the masses. We got Dumb and Dumber.

When the gramophone was invented it was suggested that everyone would listen to the great classical works of the past. Then we got the Birdie Song.

When radio was developed there was talk of raising the tone of political debate. We got Chris Evans.

When the telephone was invented it promised to bring families together. Instead I get people phoning me up wanting to double glaze my sitting room.

When television was invented there was talk of everyone being able to enjoy Shakespeare and Marlowe. We got Neighbours.

When email was invented there was talk of the instantaneous exchange of new ideas and brilliant concepts. Now people keep sending me jokes.

When direct mail was invented there was talk of promotions that were sharp, to the point, and relevant to me. But what I get are boring and tedious sales letters explaining that the “reason for my writing to you today is to introduce myself as your new area sales rep”.

My friend Billy “The Dog” McGraw, a regular at the Toppled Bollard, is one of those who takes the view that direct mail has never understood itself as a medium. “What everyone forgets is that you can’t advertise if people don’t read. And people won’t read, unless you attract their attention. Felix “Jawbreaker” O’Frayne – another Bollard regular and direct marketing expert, agrees. “Attracting attention must be issue number one,” he says in his famous guide on the subject.

Jacko “Facelift” Fetherstone-Haugh is another who takes the same principle. “It is true that you must grab the reader’s attention, but after that you must keep up interest through solving the reader’s own, real problems. Without that you can’t expect people to buy from you.”

The Dog, Jawbreaker and Facelift are all quite good at getting attention in a variety of situations, although some of their methods have caused concern within the Advertising Standards Authority. 

Tony Attwood

PS: If Billy, Felix and Jacko sound a little too hearty for your approach to direct mail, give me a call on 01536 399 013. I’m mostly harmless.