The Toppled Bollard launches a new lecture
season with a talk on Elvis in Unwinese

It has been my pleasure over the years to take many Hamilton House customers to dine at the Toppled Bollard, our local public house. Not only is the food unbelievable and the liquor unmentionable, the Bollard has recently instituted a series of lectures on topics of international interest, delivered in Unwinese – our local dialect named after the late Professor Stanley, the county’s most famous inhabitant.

Recently I took a select group of clients to a Bollard Lecture on the topic: Elvis Presley and Northamptonshire. “Elvis came from the great nation which goes back Abraham Lincladers and Gettysbold,” said the speaker, “and people from half the world for all or some of the time. Elvis it was who invented the swivel-hippy and kicking up the lebbers and showed it first with the rhythmic contrapole of the wobbling of the hipper, sideways with the head and tilty, gave him that expression both also with a little doggy-lublike in the eyebold which he conveyed to the smaller femaiload of the specie, coupled with his music because he did trittly-how fine on the strims, helped him along the roamer. And it was in a moment of time when this fundamould of expression came from him, and there weren't many about then.

“Elvis devised a way to communicale to the English-speaking peopload stretched throughout the far flummers of the Earth itself. I heard it first of all on a record in the early mordy: I was doing the shavit-huff with my razor blade, and suddenly he did a little syncopole or a drop-it and how, and caused to jerk it and cut cut cutting blood spurty Sweeny Todd ambulancing and emergency.

“Elvis was topload hittening for the jukebockers although sometimes he recorded sillysongs which his record company did throw in from the old Third Division like Old Shep, but mostly preferring the quick quick of Hound Dog and Jailhouse Rock. The question is to be either to listen or to play or to partake and dance in yourself, lifting up the Dright Fantasky and kicking the neighbour up the bocus who treading you on the insteppers with the jive, the Lindy-Hop, the Ceroc, Leroc and every other dancymodal handholding.

Elvis was there at the starting of the instrumentationals changey with guitar with a concealed microphobia in the mangle although not the washboard's accomplimode for two of the partakers in this instrumould as they add a fine deep express and a songfold of singit deep from the heart streel, the expression changes on the other sigh ending All Shook Up.”

Tony Attwood

P.S. In between attending the seminar season at the Bollard, I have written a new booklet on how to save money and raise response rates in direct mail. A copy is enclosed. Call me on 01536 399 013 (my direct line) if you need a translation.