Last week saw the granting of a charter to
the University of the Toppled Bollard under the chancellorship of our esteemed
friend the Deputy Prime Minister. In his opening address our revered guest told
us how he valued life long education. “You’re never too old to stop learning,”
he announced. As the vice-chancellor (Billy “The Dog” McGraw) said in his
formal reply, the Deputy Prime Minister was indeed a man of letters. He had
clearly mastered several consonants and was making good progress with two or
three vowels.
I was naturally asked to take control of the
university’s marketing campaign. Advertising to local parents has been
difficult as the dominant view is that there is no point in sending children to
university when for the same price they can go to
On the social front we have also been
active. Recognising that many of the students here will come from impoverished
backgrounds we also run with “the free distribution of degrees to the deserving
poor,” which I thought rather neat.
I have personally instructed all our
departments to come up with their own commercial headlines and themes. Our
History faculty responded at once with “change history – become a historian,”
while the Philosophy team tells all applicants that: Socrates was not a
footballer; the central message of Buddhism is not every man for himself; and
the London Underground is not a political movement.
Meanwhile our special needs department has
been funded directly by our old friend George W Bush, who said, “Teach a child
to read and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.” (Actually although you may not believe it, he
really did say that. Honest.)
Overall the university aims to create
graduates who spend more on books than they do on chewing gum. We also aim to
generate happy students. As I heard a colleague say in the Great Hall of the
People only last week, “Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries
of a large research staff to study the problem.”
It’s all a great challenge I know, but one
that we feel we can meet. As the great Marshal McLuham said, “for your
information, let me ask you a question.”
Tony Attwood PhD (Toppled)
PS: Degrees from the University of the
Toppled Bollard are now available at £3.50 each. Each personally delivered by
four horsemen.
PPS: Nearly forgot. New shared mailing catalogue enclosed. More on that next time.