Homer Simpson, commenting on the decision by Mr
Burns to transfer ownership of
Last week,
my old friend Billy “The Dog” McGraw went to court to obtain patent rights
for the word “rabbit”. The Dog only failed in his attempt when court
proceedings were interrupted by parents from
With such
items on the agenda and wild celebrations sweeping our esteemed metropolis it
is hard for an advertising guru such as myself to book temporal space for a
serious discussion on a topic closer to my heart. But I am delighted to report that last
Thursday I managed to do just that.
Grabbing my
chance I launched into my topic with gusto.
“Predictivitabilitism,” I told the assembly “is now the name of the
game. When I take a look at a leaflet or
sales letter I can usually tell in a trice how successful it will be.”
I went on
to outline the four main issues that determine whether a solo mailing will be a
success or not, before taking in the fact that, in most mailings, it is quite possible
to cut the mailing list in half without losing a single sale. “Being able to find out which half to cut is
a science, not an art,” I told the crowd.
“Get all this right and you raise sales and reduce costs.”
At the end
of my discourse Billy rose to announce that the live appearance at the Bollard
next week of Leviticus has been cancelled due to an outbreak of plagues. It seems we have already witnessed the plague
of locusts and the plague of frogs. Now
ther iz the thrid plog: the plag of twerping erers.
Best
wishes,
Tony
Attwood
P.S. If you would like to know a little more about
the four issues that determine how well a mailing works – or come to that the
way in which you can cut a mailing list in half without losing any sales, give
me a call. No Old Testament prophets, no
twerping erors. My direct line: 01536
399 013.