Did Neanderthal man build the Toppled Bollard? And if so, what happened to the empties?

Recent excavation work next door to Corby ’s famed Toppled Bollard public house has resulted in a number of finds of undoubted historic and archaeological importance. As a result our publican and esteemed direct marketing guru, Billy “The Dog” McGraw, has taken it upon himself to gather these artefacts and forward them to the Natural History Museum.

Of particular interest was the find known as “BG89300: Neanderthal skull (behind the gents).” Billy’s view is that this skull is final proof that early man not only inhabited Corby over 2 million years ago, but also built the original Toppled Bollard around that time.

This find has now become something of a cause célèbre with the museum taking a somewhat contrary line to that of Billy. Their reply to Billy’s submission was that rather than proving that Corby was originally colonised by a collection of beer swilling hominids from the late Palaeolithic period, what Billy had found was the head of a Barbie Doll circa 1995. Their evidence, which I must say I find tenuous in the extreme, was that the skull was plastic in origin, a material largely unknown to Neanderthal man, and was somewhat smaller than other Neanderthal skulls thus far discovered.

The museum also took issue with Billy’s comments on the marks that are clearly visible on the skull. Their view is that the “dentition patterns you noticed are more consistent with that of a Labrador puppy than with the Carnivorous Oyster that you propose and which you date from the Cretaceous Period. Indeed. rather than being an era of man-eating bivalve molluscs, the Cretaceous is particularly associated in your area with planktonic material and cephalopods. Your further claim that the items found around the skull were Neanderthal religious artefacts is also rejected as these appear to be non-crystalline metal silicates and fused oxides – in short, beer glass fragments dating from the late 20^th and early 21^st century.

“Your theories are indeed fascinating but I fear they must be set aside on several grounds – to wit, that this really is a Barbie doll chewed by a dog, that oysters don’t have teeth, and that you have been digging among the accumulated rubbish at the back of a pub.

“It is therefore with some regret that I must also turn down both your request to have your find carbon-dated and your application to have your discovery formally named Bollardière-Boozeoid-Historolicus. I did put the proposal to the director of taxonomy but her view was that she was not quite sure that these words really are Latin.”

Tony Attwood

PS. In case you have never received news from the Toppled Bollard before and are somewhat bemused I should add that Hamilton House Mailings plc remains open for the business of writing direct mail, supplying mailing lists, posting letters and all things associated therewith. Please do contact us or go to www.hamilton-house.com. No oyster will call.