Johnny Prescott and the strange case of the magic laundry machine

 

Last week my dear friend and regular quaffing partner Johnny (“give me the chocolate and nobody gets hurt”) Prescott and direct mail guru Billy “The Dog” McGraw gathered with me at the Toppled Bollard to ponder the latest bizarre twist in Johnny’s personal life.   

Billy and I had noticed that Johnny had recently abandoned his traditional pre-industrial shop steward style of clothing and moved over to ill-fitting post-modern chic.  We asked why.  

Johnny explained that for years he had been in possession of a unique clothing renewal system.  “Every night I would drop my clothes from the day on the floor in a pile at the foot of the bed. Three days later they would turn up, neatly ironed and folded.  It was perfect.  

“But then one month ago the whole system failed.  I’ve checked the carpet.  I even tried changing the place I drop the clothes, but that had no effect.  It’s a mystery.”  

We asked what Johnny had done.  He explained, “Until now I’ve only ever been in the bedroom and the kitchen chez moi but I discovered a small room equipped with a whole range of machinery the likes of which I have never seen before.  Near the machines was a plastic contraption, which my aides have informed me goes under the bizarre name of ‘laundry basket’.   However it was empty and seemed to have no discernable function.   So still no solution.”  

“And does the lady wife have any thoughts on this odd situation?” I asked.  

“Sadly no,” said Johnny, looking sad.  “You see she left me about a month ago – just about the time the clothes cleaning system broke down in fact.”  

“Why did she leave?” asked Billy with more than his usual aplomb.  

“Met a young fellow at her Salsa class who apparently gets his clothing at Gap.  Don’t know why that is important, but she mentioned it as she left.   Anyway I sent out my aides to investigate (it appears to be some sort of shop), and I’ve got a couple of the lads starting Salsa next week – just in case there is some connection with the laundry basket.”  

Billy and I found it hard to comment.  Johnny shouted for a fresh round of drinks and 15 packets of crisps.   We drank and ate in silence, contemplating the future of the kingdom.  

 

Tony Attwood  

PS:  Contrary to popular belief my colleagues and I do not spend all day at the Toppled Bollard debating the finer points of laundry with our political masters.   We also spend time creating sales letters, supplying mailing lists, undertaking mailings and working continuously to give our customers ever higher response rates to their direct mail.   If you want to know more, please phone 01536 399000.   No horseman will call.