Gardening causes global warning, says John Prescott

This year the Annual Awards Dinner of the Society of Certain Things was held at the Toppled Bollard Conference Centre and Internet Café.

I had hoped for top billing, and was not a little miffed to find that I was pushed into the role of supporting speaker by my old chum John Prescott. Johnny took the platform with much applause and immediately launched what he called, “A savage attack in words and language,” on the environmental impact that is caused by advertising.

“It is good to be back on Terra Cotta,” he announced, having just returned from Cornwall . “My position is that I want to make our position clear, and this example is just one example for example. I’ve already mentioned quite frankly there be a hundred then it was down to one yesterday, now its no, not. And I think we should welcome that fact.”

I must say I found this riveting stuff and gave the man a hefty round of applause. “It is time for targets in direct mail,” he said, looking straight at me. “I met a woman yesterday who had had her petrol tank removed and replaced with one that held litres rather than gallons.

“The single overwhelming two facts are that targets are a way of how you can improve delivery when the electorate were not believing governments who were making promises and then aren’t delivered. But you must achieve all of them. Only one of them, and don’t forget this a five year programme, we’ve achieved it in some parts of industry as to whether the fast track on environmental education from which you’re caught and to when you’re sentenced. Global warning is an issue, caused by rising carbon dioxide. If only everyone stopped weeding their gardens, there would be much more greenery and they would solve it and so would we. This is the biggest disaster since I was elected.”

Such was the cheering and exclamations that followed this announcement that it was hard for me to be heard as I made my speech. But then I suppose fame is like that.

Tony Attwood

PS: What I was really intending to say was that it is now possible to do counts on-line for school lists, business lists and consumer lists at www.hamilton-house.com, thus eradicating a lot of the environmental impact. We have also put up a number of my past speeches on raising response rates in direct mail, why some response rates are going down, legislation on selling to consumers, new methods of selling to parents, and other speeches from the Toppled Bollard. It’s all there – but if you would prefer you can call me on 01536 399 013.