How the G8 Summit held at the Toppled Bollard finally put Corby on the map

They wanted it kept quiet, but the news has seeped out. Last week, Tony, George and the rest of the gang held a G8 summit meeting at the Toppled Bollard, Corby .

When I told my dear friend and direct mail expert Billy “The Dog” McGraw that G8 leaders are light eaters he misunderstood this to mean that as soon as it is light they start eating. He ordered up 100 new halogen floodlights and, for the duration of the summit, night time vanished and food was served continuously. There was Scottish cuisine (if you complain you get headbutted), English cuisine (chips), and Chinese cuisine (monosodium glutamate).

Billy was particularly impressed by Condoleezza Rice, the Stephenson Senior Fellow at the Hoover Institution, who is currently giving such able assistance to Mr Bush. Apparently Billy and Ms Rice had a most entertaining 20 minutes discussing vacuum cleaners. The good lady shocked Billy twice by telling him that she never read the PS in sales letters while she simultaneously broke a post-breakfast chocolate bar in four and then ate just one piece.

My old pal Johnny (“just give me the Mars bar and nobody gets hurt”) Prescott was also there doing his bit for the kingdom. Johnny asked Condoleezza if she fancied a night out on the town, but she informed him that she did not date outside her species. When he asked if Condoleezza was her real name she said no, she was breaking it in for a friend, and by the way, was that Mr Prescott’s real body? Anglo-US relationships plummeted to a new low.

Mr Bush had lunch with Mr Koizumi of Japan (motto: “life is uncertain, eat pudding first”), and dinner with Mr Abdelaziz Bouteflika of Algeria (“I will not eat Chinese food with knitting needles because I do not knit with a fork”). Hans Enoksen, the prime minister of Greenland (motto: “never eat more than you can catch”) asked for some details of what was being served. I suspect Billy was still ruminating on Condoleezza when he replied, “if it’s not chocolate it’s a vegetable.”

I am pleased to say Johnny Prescott recovered his good nature for his end of meal round-up. “Never eat more than you can lift,” he said, and by and large everyone agreed.

I think it was all quite a success, and the Toppled Bollard is undoubtedly now a safer place.

Tony Attwood

PS: If you would like to know how a number of companies have greatly increased the response rates they get from their educational direct mail, go to www.hamilton-house.com and click on the “case studies” link. Or if you are of a more technical bent go straight there by typing in www.hamilton-house.com/Casestudies.htm The Bollard is closed for repair.